One of the most intimidating moments in any pro se litigant’s journey is standing up in a courtroom and speaking directly to the judge. Most people have never been in that position before. They don’t know what to say, how to say it, or what the unwritten rules are.
Getting this wrong — even with a strong case — can damage your credibility. Getting it right, even with a weaker case, can earn you the judge’s respect. Here’s what you need to know.
The Judge Is Not Your Audience — The Record Is
Before anything else, understand this: everything you say in a courtroom is being recorded. The court reporter is transcribing every word. When you speak, you’re not just talking to the judge — you’re creating a permanent legal record. That changes how you should communicate. Be clear, factual, and deliberate. No rambling. No emotional outbursts. No sarcasm.
Always Address the Judge as “Your Honor”
Never say “judge,” “sir,” “ma’am,” or the judge’s name. It’s always “Your Honor.” Every time you start speaking, begin with “Your Honor.” When you respond to a question, start with “Your Honor.” This is not optional — it’s basic courtroom protocol, and judges notice when it’s missing.
Correct: “Your Honor, I’d like to address the issue of the possession schedule.”
Incorrect: “Judge, I want to talk about the custody stuff.”
Stand When You Speak
When you address the court, stand up. Unless the judge tells you otherwise, always stand when speaking. Sit when the other side is speaking or when the judge is addressing someone else. This signals respect for the process and the court.
Ask Permission Before Speaking
Do not interrupt. Do not blurt something out because you disagree with what opposing counsel just said. Wait for your turn. If you need to respond to something unexpected, say: “Your Honor, may I briefly respond?” Then wait for the judge to acknowledge you before proceeding.
Interrupting — even if you’re right — makes you look unhinged and damages your credibility. The judge will give you a turn. Wait for it.
Never Argue With the Judge
This should go without saying, but it happens constantly. If the judge rules against you on something, do not argue. Do not say “but that’s not fair” or “you don’t understand.” You can say “Your Honor, may I make a record on that?” — which preserves your right to appeal — but you cannot argue with a ruling in the moment.
The judge has the last word in that courtroom. Accept it professionally, protect your record, and move on.
How to Ask the Judge a Question
As a pro se litigant, you may need clarification on a ruling, a procedural question, or what happens next. Here’s how to do it properly:
- “Your Honor, I want to make sure I understand the court’s ruling. Are you saying that…”
- “Your Honor, may I ask a procedural question?”
- “Your Honor, I’m not familiar with that term — could you clarify what that means for my case?”
Judges generally appreciate when pro se litigants ask for clarification rather than guessing wrong. Most judges will help you understand the procedure — they just won’t give you legal advice.
Speak to the Judge, Not Opposing Counsel
This is one of the most common mistakes pro se litigants make. When opposing counsel says something you disagree with, the instinct is to turn and address them directly. Don’t. Always direct your comments to the judge. You’re not arguing with the attorney — you’re presenting your position to the court.
Correct: “Your Honor, opposing counsel’s characterization of the events is incorrect. The actual timeline was…”
Incorrect: [turning to the attorney] “That’s not what happened and you know it.”
Control Your Emotions
Family law cases are emotionally charged. Your children, your home, your finances — it’s all on the line. But crying, raising your voice, or showing visible frustration in court hurts you. Judges need to see that you can handle adversity calmly. The parent who keeps their composure under pressure projects stability — and stability is what the court is trying to protect for your child.
Take notes during the hearing instead of reacting in real time. It keeps your hands busy and your face neutral.
What Never to Say
- “This is ridiculous” or “This is unfair” — save it for outside the courtroom
- “The other parent is lying” without evidence to back it up
- “I know my rights” — this almost always backfires
- Anything about social media, what your friends think, or what you read online
- “My last attorney said…” — you’re pro se now; what a prior attorney said is largely irrelevant
Practice Before You Go
Hearing prep is not optional. I work through courtroom communication with every student I coach — we role-play the hearing, practice responses to tough questions, and make sure you walk in knowing exactly how to present yourself. The courtroom is not the place to figure this out for the first time.
Call: 830.507.3250 | ben@prosecoachtx.com
— Ben Schooley, Pro Se Coach